delays and such

Sorry it's been so long since I posted- to anyone who actually reads this anyway >.>

the lack of internet at home anymore has made it a real bitch to post- when I actually have something to say I can't get online to post it, and when I'm online to post I don't have much to say...

I'm still in a piss-poor excuse for a town, I'm still in too much debt to get back to taking classes, and I'm currently unemployed again... though at least things are looking up finally on that last one... Circle K is hard up for people, and as soon as my background check goes through this time they should hire me- course they said that last time too... but I don't think they ever actually got to sumbitting the nessecary paperwork like they did this time- I watched them do it this time....

on a personal note- I refuse to do fast food again unless I know the place is properly staffed...
do you have any idea how annoying it is to hear a person order 30-50 bucks of food and bitch when it's not done the second he hits the window....
even when well staffed it's going to take more then the aleged 5 minutes to get that much food ready because you can only cook so much at once....

and if I ever make another one of Jack and the Boxes tacos again it'll be too soon... whoever thought it was smart to deep fry tacos deserves to have their hands deep fried with the tacos...

~Insert Sarcastic comment here~

well, Guess I'm not getting an AA here...

yesterday was just one of those days... everytime I go to do something- you have to do 12 other things first- and when it all finnaly laid itself out- I can't do any of it because there's a hold on my account here because I haven't finished paying for my classes and my dorm... and the deadline was 4:30...

and why in gods name would they FORCE me to talk with an adviser- geaz- like I can't fucking READ THE INSTRUCTIONS myself.... but oh no- college is about learning- so we have to TALK to you before you can do ANYTHING....

either way- I'm not comming back next semester- and I have to be enrolled HERE to get my degree HERE... which makes sense- but reguardless- I think I have to pay to get it at a university- so I guess I'll go back to plan B and just jump to the BA...

don't get my wrong, I've had fun this semester and last- but I really shouldn't have come back- I should have returned from Disney and just gone straight to ASU...

Sincerely slow versus sincerely ignorant

Edit: and this is what I get for writing a post at five in the morning- corrections made...

mere minutes after I laid down to sleep I felt the need to clarify on my last post-

first of course the whole point being that I realized why some skinny girls look sexy while super-model style seems ugly to me---

second- I wanted to clarify the difference between someone like my friend in high school vs. the idiots here I can't stand, some of whom are very sincere in their ignorance...

Sincerely slow or stupid simply means you may not be all that intelligent, taking remedial courses and what not- but you're trying, there is still a willingness to learn that hasn't been blown out by the occasional setback of failure etc...

Sincerely ignorant people don't care, they're dumb- if they know it or not makes no difference, because they don't care, right or wrong the world all works in one way, and no amount of anything will make them see otherwise...

I realize this sums a lot of people who may only be ignorant in a limited area, such as arrogance, self-superiority or megalomaniacs... but those are all still a form of ignorance
racists, sexists, and the like discriminators- and probably everyone on the planet is ignorant in some area....

even myself, I try to keep an open mind on most things- but even I have my stubborn inner pig-head...

but it's the fully ignorant who annoy me, set in one particular stereotype that they think all the world should be- be it 'man-whore player boy', 'sex-bomb bimbo brain' or 'self-righteous bible thumper'

oh god speaking of which- I had a hilarious conversation at dinner the other night... my friends got into a political conversation- all of which eludes me because I choose to be oblivious until such time as I plan to actually care- which may be next week or next decade- but I fully intend to eventually develop sincere political standings someday- if only for party conversation xD... but regardless one of my overly zealous christian 'pseudo-friends' (IE I hang out more or less with her via her friends and I know her as more than a mere acquaintance) happened to comment that she wouldn't vote for a Mormon (forgive me if my spelling is off). So my other friend beside me- who happens to BE Mormon, asks why- further amusement in that she though he asked why she wouldn't vote for a WOMAN and she explains why- finally I butt in and correct that he asked Mormon and not woman- only to listen to her firmly plant her foot into her mouth as she spouts off ignorant rhetoric that only the barest of research disproves (I should know, having only cared enough to do the barest myself) before I point out that my friend is Mormon and watch her squirm into apology mode... which ties into my lit class on utopias and distopias, in that we had a discussion on how in the distopias subversives are cleansed before executed- forced to prostrate themselves and blurt out all their sins to be forgiven- and we compared this to how famous people often do the same- usually over a slip of the tongue- some racial comment, or many things like...

duh moment

Something I've always kind of known in a non-specific- 'no way to phrase it' sort of way just hit me tonight while I was looking at porn... I was looking at a rather slender woman in the midst of a threesome while thinking about how slender women are usually sexy- and suddenly I was also thinking how those uber-scrawny sickly-skinny supermodels turn me off-- and I kinda put into words an idea I always knew- you know those sort of eureka moments not where you actually learn something, but you figure out where it fits?

Anyway- put simply- naturally slender women look sexy, and anyone who isn't naturally slender shouldn't fake it- it's just not as sexy- if you're going to be sexy it needs to be you... anything else is just ugly underneath it all...

people obviously aren't created equal, not all woman are skinny- but most woman can be sexy- when they're not trying to fit the supermodel labels of the word...

I guess that's why half the time when some guy turns to me and asks if some woman is sexy- all I can do is shrug because I don't agree... all these tramped up wanna-be bimbos and non-thinking shells just turn me off so unbelievably...

Sincerity... I guess that's what it comes down too- cause even the stupid thing can be sexy in the right woman... I knew one back in high school- she wasn't all that bright- and despite myself, I fell for her- but you know- she grew up- in body and mind... and since then I've never met another woman who was sexy like she was...

of course now she's got the body most of my generation dreams off and a growing brain on top of it... ~snicker~ and still none of those things were why I fell in love when her back then--- she was my best friend, and everything I never wanted in a woman- and I fell in love despite myself....

and now I barely know her anymore- and I missed yet another chance to get together with her again.... blasted financial issues keeping me from a simple thing like a comic convention... ~sigh~ I still don't even know what sorts of comics she does--- I think she told me a title once- be damned if I can remember it anymore... I'll have to ask next time I talk with her...

Chaos and self-image

I dunno know anymore why I find it hard to do what I should be doing...

I used to think it was just because I was a lazy procrastinator-
I used to think I was a lazy perfectionist (always trying to find the best way to do something- the balance of most work for least effort)
I used to think I was just plain crazy- scratch that- I still am just plain crazy...

But I know whenever I set my mind to something I am perfectly capable of accomplishing it- usually in half the time I expect it to take...

When I actually want to- I get things done ahead of time- when I don't set dates for myself I get things done early...

but the constraint of "I must" always seems to fuck with my perspective or something...

I took an extra year to complete high school- big deal it happens- I wasn't stupid- I just didn't care...
I'm currently in my third year of a two-year degree- because most of the time I'm having fun- when I'm not sweating over financial aid because the only serious scholarships I can find for white male English majors who aren't the first in their family to go to college are essay contests... and I really don't feel like taking hours of my time, to write something and send it in- lose the rights to it- and possibly not even win the fucker...

I'm not an "A" student, I'm not Mr. 4.o... and it's not because I'm incapable- it's because I don't want to be- I have no incentive

Incentive... I dunno- that sounded to honest to be true...

I've got plenty of reasons to want to be perf- okay no I don't- perfection is boring... but still, being one off has many perks...

I just don't care I guess- that sounds more true...

I don't know why I don't care, I just can't find the overwhelming urge to give a shit-

I'm really not lazy, and I care about people in general (despite what other opinions I hold about the population at large)
I'm not Mr. last minute, despite I often get things done when the last minute pressure hits...
like this 200 word essay I need to do- (cake walk- talk about an ethic dilemma) but I can't seem to work up the will to do it...

I know exactly what I need to do- and am perfectly capable of doing what I have too, but anything beyond that is just cotton candy...

how troublesome xD...

Nothing wrong with a one track mind

nevermind that my mind is always running 80 tracks a minute- xD

I was reading another of 'girl with a one track mind''s blog when this came to me:

I always find that amusing too, the assumption that women don't like porn- while I do still know quite a few that don't most of them are just self-repressed or overly religious (thus just another form of sexual repression), but most of the time i find any woman I deem worth getting to know, doesn't mind my porn collection and often expressed a curiosity to explore it. and while most of my older stuff is crap (old school BS lesbian stuff with no sense of reality- I'd delete, but I'm a pack rat), I've since progressed onto far superior stuff (when I can find it)-- I dunno why, but I find it amusing (more so even than sexy) to watch a woman browse through my porn...
I probably find it amusing due to hold over in my conscious mind of the idea of woman not liking porn, despite vast clear evidence to the contrary- now if I could just get elsewhere in life where I could find more women who aren't forcing themselves into one stereotype or another to get by in life- here in the small hellholes in life I find myself where most of the men are wanna-be players, and most of the women are exactly what said men are looking for (in other words- boring bimbos- the types porn makers love) and it disgusts me- when any of my roommates can just talk any girl around here into their pants when they can only remember their IQ because it co-insides with their shoe size...
but thankfully for my sanity there are a few people of both genders worth associating with- and some I only put up with because it's better than going crazy- while others I sincerely enjoy their company- I haven't found but three or so girls out here in ALL the time I've been here I'd be willing to be anything more an friends with- two of them were already taken- and the third maintains the idea that a white prince will someday show up from nowhere and sleep her off her feet (although she never used such words in front of my I pieced the specifics from mutual friends...) and while I happen to be a hopeless romantic- I still find the idea rather archaic, I mean, I'll admit, I'm a bit of a loser- and find it hard to make the first move- I've done it, but it really isn't me- I'd honestly rather get into a comfortable emotional relationship, then see by then hopefully the other party is thinking the same as me and we can work a semi-natural progression from there- the sad reality of the matter is I'm often trapped at the point in a 'friendship'- and the girl is unwilling to "risk our friendship" in the hopes of something more.

I am Returned

Yes that's intentional horrible grammer-...
I'm finally back to my home that shouldn't be home xD...
Home sweet Hell I hath returned to the nightmare that is a- well- large actually- for a community college- how many have dorms afterall-
But I digress- not that that's anything new

now the begining of the semester panic attack can begin- m/k (mostly kidding)

I'd write more- but that'll come later- for now- food comes first....

Love Triangles

Why is it a lot of my favorite relationships are love triangles?

Temari-Shikamaru-Ino
Terra-Beast Boy-Raven
several of original pairings...
others I'm sure, but the AMVs I keep watching just keep seeming the drive the first two firmly in my mind where they won't leave for several days... probably...

I dunno, I guess the whole Love Triangle thing is interesting because it makes you really think about which qualities are better in a relationship- does an age old friendship deserve a better shot than the person who just swept you off you're feet- I mean- really- it makes you think- how does one decide- and then worst of all- how do you break it to the other person---

of course there's sometimes the alternate method- trying to get it all- but most people see that as wrong, even when the emotions behind it may not be...

blah- food for thought- dinner's served...

Room 1408

First of all I opened my comment settings so you don't have to be a google user to comment- but anyway...

Last summer my uncle took his kids and I to the drive thru movie theater (since the walk in burned down almost three years ago now...) to see Evan Almighty, and we started to stay for room 1408 afterwards, but his daughter decided she didn't like the movie and we left before it got half and hour in. Well tonight I finally got to see the whole movie because my uncle rented and invited me to watch it with him.

I definitely liked the movie, it was well worth watching- in fact I'll have to be on the lookout for the DVD eventually...
while I admit I might be dumb enough to actually go into the room, and if I wanted to go into the room I wouldn't be dissuaded just like the main character- but when I first saw the countdown on the alarm clock, I'd've gone down to a nearby cafe or something and had dinner until near the end of the hour- and if it came down to it- I'd've kick down the door- and leapt out if I had to- plunging darkness be damned- it's safer than pure evil- heh...

though it makes me wonder what someone like- oh no- I do belive I know at least some of what I'd see in that room now that I think about it...

I've put out yet another chapter to my Naruto dusk fic- three weeks of nothing, and now two chapters in two days...

oh well- I SO can't wait to get back to my true temporary home- my dorm... then I can start tackling my current financial problems- then maybe work on saving up enough to move on for a while... may have to take yet another friekin loan if things are as bad and I'm afraid they might be- but they may not be quite so bad- sadly I'm in the wrong zip code to start looking into it...

Inspiration, Insanity, stir crazy style

Figures, it's just about the END of my break, and I finnally get some insperation going- I never manage to write much of anything if my life isn't moving in some way- even if that way is backwards.

Oh well, I got the newest chapter out to my Naruto Dusk fic, so maybe I can avoid being lynched for a while again- xP heh...

I'm torn between the fact I can't wait to get the hell out of here and back to class and the fact I really don't want to face some of the troubles I've been putting off in the downtime...

but overall, despite the drama I make for myself and the stress I let myself build up, I really prefer being there to here.... home sweet hell- they say home is where the heart is and all that- more like home is where I use my muscles for more then tossing and turning, and taking out the trash... when video games are the most strenous activity I do all vacation- I take that back- shopping- xD... either way, I find that sad... a high school dream, but a brain rotting nightmare- more importantly- I'm not very athletic to begin with, I have to actually get off my ass to not turn back into the near-muscle-less high schooler I was... admittedly the last of puberty fixed a lot of that, but I'll still always see myself as scrawny until I get a drastic sign that says otherwise- like the realization I was skinny in the form of my grandmother visiting and pointing out my pants which had orginally fit perfectly- were barely grasping at my hips to stay on...

Of course those same pants to this day fit like the orginally did again- but my whole frame has come out a bit- so it's not fat... I just have short legs and narrow shoulders- makes jacket and pants shopping a bitch... anything that fits in the waist is too long, anything that fits the arms, is too tight in the shoulders... so to fit my actual body, my jackets often hang down my hands because of the extra length at the shoulders., and I'd hem my own crap- but it really doesn't bother me that much.... it just bothers me when I shop...

chaos and insanity first

I've tried various a few on and offline journals and blogs a couple times before, and never really kept up with them- course I look at a lot of the blogs out there today- most of them don't write daily either- so I guess that's normal.

Nobody likes you when your 23- xD

holy crap I've only got another half a year of being 23???

oh well, hopefully soon after I'll be out of my current community college and out of living with family between semesters. don't get me wrong- I love my family- and I'm far from embarrassed about the situation since I am still in college- but I really want to try and move on with my life- I guess my internship with Disney where I was on the other side of the country for a while got me more into the independent thinking... Heck I'd go back to that but I'm not masochistic- minimum wage in a tourist spot is- maddening, and I'd go full time to get more than minimum wage- but then I'd have to find my own apartment and transportation both of which more than likely more than the weekly rent all CPs gripe about.

Besides, I've had my fill of Disney backstage for a while. Don't get me wrong, Disney is a great place- world, land, you name it. It just ruins the magic a little when you're making it.

I think the most amusing thing is how little effort it takes to maintain their high standards- makes me wonder how much less other places do since I kept hearing my first roommates saying it was all so much better than the non-Disney parks they used to work.

I probably should have mentioned this to begin with- but I plan on doing this as predominantly free-thought, as in just writing what comes to mind- regardless of relevance to any kind of topic. This includes if I say something about one of my friends- thought I'll probably try to avoid names- especially since I'm sure most of my friends could track this back to me if they find it, heh. Even a lot of my 'acquaintances'.

Last night when I decided I was going to do this I had all kinds of tangent thoughts running through my head that I followed to conclusion- as such they ran themselves dry, so I probably won't get to them until later posts.

Things like a general description of the events that led to the me that I've become since high school. Since I have actually changed a lot since High School- it was probably last year before I realized I'd changed so much.
Though that does make a good lead in xD...

In high school I had three best friends. One of whom was a guy who all the girls thought of as their fluffy teddy bunny- of course in post high school he concluded he's gay- that's stereotyping for you (when I actually took the time to think about it- I always pegged him for Bi rather than gay... he at least seemed interested in girls at the time-) although, he's in a bit of a conundrum, he's gay, but every guy he's ever taken an interest in hasn't been... to which the only consolation I could give him was my stories of crushes of lesbians and Bi-curious girls who never reciprocated. Either way, he was at the time the perky sun center of most things. The fact that I was the one who introduced one group of my friends to my other group never seemed to matter as well as they hit it off and built from there, two of my three best friends made the center of my stability- even during freshman year when I kind of drifted a bit- always have to wonder if things might have gone a little differently if I had fought a little better at maintaining the strength of my friendship to my girl best friend earlier on- before I realized I had any more romantic or erotic thoughts towards her- more importantly before the incident of one of her other friends coming out of the closet to her, setting up for two rather odd events in her life that did screwy things to the dynamic of our whole group- not that in the long run I think it bothered any of us that my friend's friend was lesbian- but some of the incidents that came from it were just awkward- like when apparently two of our group were caught making out- yet another of the events that caused big waves that I only found out about second hand... sigh... at the time even though I had so many friends, I was a bit of a reclusive anti-social type, or at least I thought I was- I've since learned otherwise, but anyway- I missed out on a lot in my moments of having to back off to re-gather myself- or whatever excuse I used to just stay away for hours or days...

last year and the year before, I came to realize my gay friend and I had seemed to switch personalities- he was in a bit of a reclusive stage- and I'd become a downright optimist- rather than the pessimist I knew I couldn't stay as for mental health... of course he's come back to a middle ground in more recent times, but he's still a little resentful that he's having so much trouble finding a boyfriend.

Amusingly enough, even though I am strait since it is my sexual preference and because generally speaking the male figure does not arouse me without female figures involved- my gay friend is one of three guys I would ever consider screwing- and the other two are fictional anime characters so they don't count... actually of my three best friends, I've all but dropped communication with the lone wolf, and all but fallen in love with my other two... I say all but because while for a time I had concluded I was truly in love with my girl best friend, I realize I don't know her as well as I did in high school (in fact I've since learned I didn't even know that version as well as I thought, according to her anyway- I retain that I did- and it's only since becoming intelligent that she's changed so drastically- not to say she was ever stupid- but for those who watch sailormoon, she was a lot like Usagi/Serena- of course she grew up like her too, in later seasons she (usagi) got a lot more common sense, and since college my (real) friend has really matured mentally- despite a few things I disagree with her on...)

as I began college I immediately came out of my shell and realized I was more social than I'd ever considered. I later got back into my mild practice of occult, thus the need to ditch my pessimism. But I was forced to back away for a while after- I'll get to that one later- I think that story makes for it's own post, xP. But I've never gotten quite as strongly into it as since that event, I still do wards and mental things, but I never really bother with the stronger stuff anymore...

I almost never drink anymore, not because I disagree with it, but because I don't like spending my money on it, heh... I still drink on rare occasion, but for a while when I was working in a sports bar I was staying weekly for karaoke and getting drunk every time... I've only smoked a cigarette three times in my whole life- and only smoked marijuana once. I don't condone smoking after my internship with Disney, I at least wasn't bothered by it before- but after having to clean then from the streets when there were countless well positioned ashtrays- plus even when I put up with it I didn't like it, I just put up with it because I didn't think of it as my business- well- it is- when t comes to public smoking anyway... it smells nasty- and especially since I have a mild allergic reaction to it. So while I don't go around preaching anti-smoke crap, I do at least try to find a way to broach the subject with most of my friends at some point... at the very least I'll let them know I don't approve though I won't force them to stop...

if for some crazy reason I ever succumb to the curiosity to smoke marijuana again, I'll be sure not to drink at the same time _-_; it's so hard to gauge two seperate effects on your body- I drank a fair bit more than I would have without the smoke- I still cut myself off before it got too bad- but I still overdid it that night- not something I intend to repeat.

I can honestly say I've never done anything drunk that I've regretted. I've never screwed anybody drunk- though a couple times when I was drinking weekly I dearly considered it- I've never gotten into a drunken fight- a couple drunken arguments, but no fights, I've never done any of the things people wake up and say- oh my god why did I do that (aside from drink too much on two or three occasions). The two things I've done in my life that I truly regret and would want to go back and undo- I did sober- and as a kid... well, a kid for the first, then as a teen for the second.

my teen mistake was being afraid of falling in love with my friends...
I don't feel like confiding my 10 year old goof- suffice to say it was something I should have never done...

Over the course of time I'll get more personaly with this thing, it really doesn't bother me if my friends read this and figure out it's me, even if I end up saying something bad about them or something they wouldn't like me saying- it's my blog- and just random thoughts as they come- and I really have nothing to hide but my own burried insecurities that I've yet to discover and confront.

later entries with probably be more graphic when I get more comfortable with this- I have enough trouble writing fictional sex scenes, let alone my own inaction since my lost of virginity at 22- in fact- lets see- started dating her during "Mickey's not so Scary Halloween Party" (though i'd been flirting and such even before then- but with her comment about having an extra ticket to said party, I'd be an idiot to have not picked up on the opening- of course I later found out I wasn't the only one who asked- so yay- points for me) it was more than a month after we started dating... so late November early December... wow- it's been more than a year since- and she left in may- so that's how long it's been since I've had sex... of course we didn't have sex our last night together- my idea to make it sadder- I wish I could say she really agreed, but the whole thing was- I don't know anymore, I just hate short term relationships... I don't like putting myself out there emotionally so completely- then having to go back to being single... I kind of withdrew in the last week or two without meaning too, to save myself a little of the pain of her leaving... so I honestly don't know how she felt about the thing- and I didn't have a cellphone until about a month later- she never responded to my facebook messages... or when I did finally have a cell and got one of our mutual friends to give me her number... no response to voicemail or txt- and I never reached her.... almost have to briefly wonder if she was caught in that incident in Virginia tech- but if I can't ever reach her again- what am I gonna do about it- I mean- I know I don't think I could have been with her forever- not without some significant changes to both of us... but it would have been nice to have at the very least a more solid closure than just- she's going home because her program was up and I was extending... she planned to come back the following program- but I wanted to get back to my education--- ~le sigh~

I don't even know if she went back, because I have only one contact that's still in FL, and I didn't keep up contact with her, so I'd feel silly calling or txt'ing just to see if my ex is back there...

my love life just reminds me how young I truly am...

oh well, time to bring this monster of an introductory post to a close with one last touch: The shameless plug--

http://www.fanfiction.net/u/752540/
http://www.fictionpress.com/u/591927/

Read my fiction... fan and original....